October 11th

Loving you means drowning in you.

It means coming up for air,

But wanting to go back under.

It’s doing and saying all the right things

But still feeling you’re all wrong.

Ordering strawberry wine

And choking on its sticky sweetness.

Loving you is like jumping from a moving train,

Clutching your hand in fear,

No time to hesitate.

It’s being always on.

On guard.

On the spot.

On me.

On you.

Loving you is the hottest point of a flame.

I want to be burned.

Singed and scorched beyond recognition.

Give me that pain.

I want the pain and the pleasure.

I want to sin by you lips.

Loving you is Pandora’s Box.

Chaos.

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October 10th

She always takes her deep blue lipstick back.

Sets it on the bathroom counter,

With the lid off,

Retrieves it at first light.

Her trail of sickeningly sweet Cherry Blossom body spray lingers.

I can’t escape its smell on my sheets

Or as her imprint in my arms.

Heaven forbid she leaves any physical trace.

Her boyfriend would murder me without blinking an eye.

But it’s me she calls me at midnight,

Whispers of New York to,

Dreams about,

Drives down the coast for.

Texts me when she’s feeling lonely.

Keeps our photos in a private folder.

She makes me feel like I’m drowning and coming up for air.

She strokes my ego in just that way.

I’m a sinner and she’s my saint.

Maybe I’m becoming too pragmatic.

October 9th

Just once more, I’d like to go running.

The wind whipping by my ears;

My ponytailed hair bouncing in time with my feet.

I miss the cleansing embrace of the sun,

Its warm rays shining through to my soul.

The world moves endlessly forward without me.

I’m lost in this world.

No idea of how to get along.

My place was given to someone else.

Hearts turn from the sick.

Every time.

But, oh.

To run again.

Not away, not from.

Just to do. To be.

To be myself again is my greatest wish.

But we’ve forever to go.

October 8th

I threw rocks at your window,

But you didn’t turn on the light.

I left flowers on your doorstep,

But you went out the back.

We used to ride for hours,

Now I can’t remember your voice.

Your sheets once held my scent;

Your arms my waist.

I once ran my fingers through your hair,

Gently grazing your cheek.

My skin has no memory of your touch.

My eyes can hardly recall your smile.

But your laughter dwells with me.

Of all the things I can’t remember,

It’s the one I don’t forget.

Deep and loud.

Booming. Commanding.

I hear you in everything.

Everyone.

I still see your shadow on my bedroom floor.

My heart stills pounds at your name.

Do you remember me?

Would you miss me if you did?

October 7th

I need to know what I’m doing here.

I need to feel I have purpose.

Without spellcheck I’m nothing.

Without a lock I can’t feel.

There’s nothing that’s real to me.

There’s nothing that’s here for me.

I’m a stranger in a strange land.

I’m an orphan in the storm.

My world is spinning faster.

My time is growing shorter.

It’s hard to live with no meaning.

It’s new to feel so directionless.

Youth is experience.

Youth is endless yearning.

Who live in one spot?

Who knows themselves?

Aren’t we all just searching?

Aren’t we all just beggars in the cold?

October 6th

Why should I talk to you?

Why should I listen?

I search your eyes in desperation,

Wanting some aspect of good to shine through.

Looking back at me is emptiness,

Self-satisfaction and selfishness.

There is nothing in your smile.

I feel nothing in your touch.

You occupy no space in my heart.

My soul is not intertwined with yours any longer.

I would that you would run from me

As I yearn to run from you.

You would rather I being a stepping stone,

A stool for you to lean on.

Under my slightest pressure you fold,

Wishing not to bear my weight.

You close off to my words,

Lest they be of admiration and affirmation.

Why don’t you hear my cries?

My pleading.

Hear my words for this one time:

Go far from me.

October 5th

I needed you then,

You held me close.

Gently counseled me in matters of life and death.

Where are you now?

Was I only as good as company kept?

Hold me now,

Tell me your stories.

Let me be in your heart again.

Think of me often.

Let me build and rebuild our bridges.

You were never my other half,

But always my goal.

I only wanted to be like you.

I only adored you.

Please don’t leave me behind.

They loved us best,

Expected the most.

We both failed them.

Commiserate with me.

Drink with me.

Let me show you my constellations;

You can show me your satellites.

Come back and teach me.

Guide me like a father.

Hold me like a friend.

Let me be in your world.

Stop pushing.

Let me do the pulling;

I will!

I’m here.

Please sit beside me again.